Profits of Doom

Oh the humanity!

Oh the humanity! and the savings!

If you thought “Black Friday” was as grisly as our post-industrial modern retail consumerism could get – you thought wrong. Dead wrong.

I often lament what I call the death of empathy in our society. I see it as a contributing factor to all sorts of various ills that plague us.

“So a bunch of people died? Why shouldn’t I use it to make a quick buck?”

Thanks for playing, but if you have to ask, it’s already too late for you. KERCHUNK! Here ya go. I just punched your one-way ticket to Hell. Have a nice trip.

If there’s one clear and present danger to the world of retail it’s this: There aren’t enough days in the year for sales. Am I right? We need more sales! 365 days just isn’t enough. For too long we have been limited by the rules of decorum and shit that makes sense, like crafting “sales” around events like holidays, birthdays and fun stuff.

No longer will we be limited so harshly. There are savings to be had. Swing open the gates of Hell. It’s time to cash in on human suffering. These savings are gonna be good.

We’ll start, of course, with 9/11. What? Still too soon?! Luckily some of us don’t seem to think so.

9-11-sale

This tweet kicked off another one of those social media firestorms of umbrage. It went viral. At first, the guy tried to defend himself.

The goal was to point out what date it was and associate to patriotism and to remember it. Its (sic) a shame some of you go to the negative.
–Tweet

Apparently feeling the wrath of the internet, he tried a more conciliatory tone. Note: Apologies are always improved by exclamation points.

Our apologies to anyone who is upset by it!
–Tweet

His next tweet took a few minutes. Perhaps he was getting his time foil hat. It was time to try some distraction.

If you want to be upset, research the term ‘911 building 7’ and check the news because they are hearing “chatter” about us getting hit again
–Tweet

Clearly that didn’t work. He came back sounding more contrite.

So, I’ve made a horrible mistake that was unintended by sending a badly worded promotion today, so again I apologize. – Frank
–Tweet

Finally he blames his own brain and falls on the sword to protect someone he cares about.

I wrote that stupid post at 1am with yoga brain. I’m sure some of you know what I mean. Z fought against it don’t blame her!!
–Tweet

Yes, many is the time I’ve turned to the Twitter while suffering from “yoga brain.” Personally I think it has led to some of my finest work. Second only to the times I inhaled large Slurpees in 4.2 seconds. Brain freeze! I’m sure some of you know what I mean.

Not to be outdone, I responded with a Patriot Day tweet of my own:

Some of you wimps are offering 9+11 savings AKA 20%. I will not be undersold. I’m offering 911% deep discounts today only!
–Tom B. Taker on Twitter

The point is, we need a lot more sales. I’m sure we all have many fond memories of Pearl Harbor Day Sales. Clearly there’s an untapped pool of misery days for greedy merchants to choose from. No longer do they have to be limited to things like the birthday of our Savior, the most crassly commercialized day of the year.

Here’s some other ideas I came up with, in this same vein, for sales that will hopefully be coming soon.

  • Columbine School Shooting Day Sale! If you don’t take advantage of these prices you’re out to lunch!
  • Battle of Thermopylae Day Sale – Tonight we dine on savings!!
  • Normandy Beach Invasion Sale
  • Bedding Beheading Sale
  • Hiroshima
  • NASCAR Runaway Prices Sale
  • Pompeii Standing Still Savings
  • Rabid frogs ate our warehouse and we’re passing the savings on to you
  • Hindenburg Rock Bottom Blowout Deals
  • Loved One Killed In An Automobile Discount on Used Cars!

Sorry, I couldn’t think of funny things to say on some of these. I’ll leave that to the many fine capitalists our country has to offer. Put your thinking caps on!

What ideas can you come up with? Try thinking outside of the box. And by box I mean coffin.

See also:

New York Times – Car Dealer Pegs Sale To Pearl Harbor Day

2 responses

  1. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    How GHASTLY of yoga brain!! It was a common complaint I heard on twitter that day. Too many people with no empathy, no common sense or emotional intelligence, and no sense of propriety. Perhaps it will be a memorable teaching moment for this guy and a few others. But the indignation of the public will be lost on so many others. Ugh.

    Like

  2. Do you think anyone would have noticed if he’d just posted “Patriot Day Sale! 20% Off Yoga Brain!” — my guess is no. No one seems too upset by “Memorial Day Blowout Sale!” but maybe because it’s a little more abstract.

    Like

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