Abyss Christmas Gift Giving Guide 2014

distorted-floorIt’s Christmas 2014 already. How the hell did that happen? Who has been playing with the time machine?

If it’s pitch black in the house by 5pm it must be time for me to get off my ass and start working on the Abyss Gift Giving Guide. Well, okay. I’ll give it a shot.

We were supposed to have flying cars by what? 2008? 1999? Where are they? Where are my flying cars? In the meantime, what else ain’t we got?

The following ideas are products of my fertile incontinent barren mind and may not yet be available in stores…

e-i-Opaque Windows

Thank god this has nothing to do with Microsoft.

Imagine an entire wall of your house with 99.99% thermal efficiency that also functions as a window. Hello, neighbors. You’re just in time for the floor show. Now is the time on Sprockets when I dance. Two. Three. Four.

Lead-coated silicon filaments power the thing and allow it to be opaque or clear as you see fit. It can automatically adjust and darken when the sun comes out and the day gets brighter. It can be the same as a traditional window or run in Black Hole mode where nothing escapes, not even light.

It can also function as a giant video display. Want to watch the news or a movie? Or display a static scene like the Forest Moon of Endor? Just download one of the millions of Action Pack modules for $999.

Note: This item is currently on hold pending a Supreme Court decision regarding an injunction brought by The Window Coverings Association of America.

Gut Caddies

Let’s face it. For the average American bending over to pick up something you dropped is simply too much work. Because, effort.

If you drop something from your grubby, fleshy, sausage-like fingers, there’s only so many ways it can play itself out:

  • The item is edible and you decide to live without it
  • The item is edible and you flop to the deck and peck at it like a fish until gone gone
  • The item is valuable electronics and smashes to bits
  • The item is absolutely worthless and takes no damage whatsoever

Whatever happens, your options are limited because you are not going down there. It’s not worth the trip.

No more! Thanks to the magical Gut Caddie your droppage problems have come to an end. Gravity has finally met its match!

Using patented double-sided fly paper technology, the Gut Caddie is donut-shaped bed pan tray that is worn around your belly. When you can’t fit the whole cookie in your mouth and some falls down, Gut Caddie is there to make the catch and save the day.

If you can lift your arms from waist level to your face then Gut Caddie is for you!

Nanite Floor

Nanite drone.

Nanite drone. Mag x 1 trillion.

First Mr. Clean made promises he couldn’t keep. Then the Swiffer tried for a clean sweep but fell miserably short. It was so easily defeated by dust bunnies. Floor are impossible to keep clean. What’s the busy, modern first-worlder on the go supposed to do? Clean it? Hells to the no.

Brought to you by the people who make Gut Caddies now comes the Nanite Floor. It’s powered by trillions of machines (also known as robots) that lie dormant until dirt is detected. That’s when they leap into action!

The offending matter could be as small as a piece of your dead flaky skin (which makes up most of your dust problem) to food crumbs, toilet misses, mud, dirt and small humanoid life forms. Nanite Floor absorbs them all!

Once detected, offending matter is transported to the household Offending Matter Main Collection Tank where other nanites convert the material to power the system and maintain a 24/7 communications system with Skynet. The system practically powers itself.

And, at absolutely no extra cost, they’ll also clean out your ears while you sleep!

That robot vacuum cleaner can go suck itself. Nanite Floor keeps your floors spic and span in nano cycles, not backbreaking hours. That’s one clean floor!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

If you choose to give any of these gifts this holiday season be sure to tell them that Guru sent you!

2 responses

  1. I’m almost positive my fat slob of a neighbor has been wearing a Gut Caddy around the house, and once he gets the e-i-Opaque window system, we’ll be able to see for ourselves – then we’ll wish we never had.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so in the wrong line of work.

    Liked by 1 person

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