These days, if you decide to come after Twitter, you had best bring your A-game. You gotta have cred. Because, when the shit hits the fan, you have a grand total of .42 seconds to capture the attention of that potential follower or lose ’em forever.
You get one chance. One!!
Strike while the iron is hot. Seize the day. Squeeze lemonade out of their lemons. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
That’s where I come in. My latest business idea will give you insta-playa status. Make the jump for our special presentation or choose the path that leads to dying alone.
You know what your profile needs? A dynamic action shot of you speaking in front of a live audience. Preferably wearing one of those microphone headsets and your arms and hands frozen forever in time in mid-gesticulation.
What’s your pathetic excuse for a profile got right now? An avatar image that’s not even you? I’ve seen some crazy shit in my time surfing the underbelly of the internet. Most of it long before you so-called millennials were even born. I even saw one idiot who was so ashamed of the way he looked he chose an anonymous figure hidden in a hazmat suit. Talk about palpable shame! (Still better than a hero image of a cat, though.)
Twitter is so modernized these days you can even customize the header image on your profile page. They call this a “cover.” You never get a second chance to make a first impression so why not make it memorable?
I saw a guy on Twitter recently and I was like, “Who the fuck is this?” Then I saw his profile. It was a picture of him speaking before a large group of people. Up on a giant stage. In front of an even larger giant screen. Just like real people do on those TED presentations. This guy must be somebody. He’s huge. He’s a giant in, well, I don’t know. Whatever freakin’ niche he calls home.
Suddenly I was sad. Why don’t I have one of those? I lambasted myself. Loser, loser, loser!!
That’s when my latest and greatest business idea was born.
What if even a people-hating idiot like me could have a picture like that? Everyone always says, “anything is possible.” And we live in a time of ultimate fakery thanks to tools like the internet and computers.
Duh! It’s so obvious!
Thus Falsely Present Productions was born. We are a humble photography company with a twist. We are designed from the ground up to provide the ultimate presentation image of you in action – while completely eliminating the grotesque requirement that there be an actual audience!
Our services include:
- Trendy outfit selection
- Choosing the headset microphone that’s right for you
- A variety of stages and logos
- Big screen background customized with your content
- Fake Wikipedia entry
Act now and achieve the kind of fake status you’ve only ever dream about! (We do insist on real payment, however.)
You thought being published in the phone book was a big deal? That was child’s play. This is the future. This is now. This is forward-thinking. This is titanic in comparison. Go big or go home!