“You know how to drink, don’t you? You just put your lips together and suck.”
No shit, Sherlock. Every newborn that ever successfully met a nipple knows that much.
Why do the DIY nut jobs have to overcomplicate everything? I think they got a screw loose.
OK, smartypants. How do you drink whiskey?
Step One – Pour the Whisky in a Tumbler, Wine, or Sherry Glass
It’s true what they say. You can’t fake glass. You either got it or you don’t. And don’t look down that pretentious full-bodied nose at my shot glass, dammit. It’s leaded Pedrini. Okay?!
They claim a “wide glass you can sip from” is important. Not only that, but “tilt the glass and watch the whisky run down the side.” Whatever. Meanwhile I’m already on shot #5. Losers.
And it has to be exactly 1.5 ounces. Dear God, why? “Look at Tom, the poor idiot. He poured two fingers and ruined his flavor profile. Ha ha ha!” Meanwhile I gots more.
Step Two – Note the Thickness of the Drink
Wha!! Wha!! I’m gettin’ down, I’m gettin’ down, I’m gettin’ down with The Thickness.”
Disturbing” isn’t it?
What is this, anyway? A first date?
Turns out that a “thicker whisky has a different texture and is higher in alcohol content.” Indeed. Quite.
Say what? I think you need to be a little more zen. You drink the whisky you’ve got. Besides, my liquor store doesn’t exactly let me wander around behind the bullet-proof glass. (Which is, by the way, also good for step one.)
And here I thought this was a pretentious schoolin’ about the proprieties of enjoying the finer things in life. Turns out they just want the alcohol content. What? How droll. A bottle of ripple ain’t good enough for ya?
Step Three – Hold it Up to the Light
The trick here is to look for “inconsistencies” or “tiny particles” floating in the whisky. That’s an obvious sign of a “lower quality” whisky. Obviously. So fucking what? Is there any chance in hell I’m going to walk away from this whisky undrunk? Let’s not play games. We all know that’s decidedly not going to happen. So why mind fuck myself? To what end? Ignorance is bliss.
Step Four – Just Add Water
Oooh. Is the whisky concentrated? It is going to get bigger like sea monkeys in a fish bowl? I mean, all those idiots are inventing marvelous cooling tricks to keep the drink cool without ice because, you know, ice melts and shit. That’s dilution. Can you say dilution? And here you come along tossing water in willy nilly and claiming it “unlocks all of it’s potential flavors and aromas.” Put down your drink. I think you’ve had enough. I’ll call you a cab.
Step Four – Take a Good Whiff
This is like that tequila song where you lose count, right? That’s already been done. Who the hell invited you, anyway, and why are you “nosing” around?
Caution: “Try not to get so close that the aroma burns your nose.”I like the word “try” in that sentence. Do or do not. There is no try. Play time is over. If I have to suffer a few third-degree burns to enjoy this sauce, so be it. Later I may even snort it through my nose. I find that really cuts out the middle man.
Step Five – Take a Sip & Enjoy
Sip it? Really?! You mean like put it in my mouth?! Oogy. What are you, a maniac? Of course I’m going to sip, drink, inhale, snort, imbibe, quaff, dribble, gulp, swill, and anything else that comes to mind. This is actual advice? “To drink your drink you must drink the drink. Drink, don’t think. Don’t end up in the drink.”
DIY ain’t what it used to be.
Enjoy? Like when the waiter puts my food down and says, “Enjoy?” Because that’s what this is all about. If we’re not going to enjoy then why bother? Seriously. You people are crazy.
So how do you drink your whisky? Share your fancy secret techniques on the cocktail napkin below.
By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice that fancy trendy spelling of “whisky.” Some people will try to tell you that “whiskey” and “whisky” mean slightly different things but obviously they ain’t had enough of either one. Sad, really.
Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time for this cowboy to julep into the sunset.