Somewhere out there, in the world, is a person I hate. I’ve never met this person, but I hate him or her just the same. I do not allow the fact that I don’t know the person’s identity to slow me down.
I know what they did. That’s enough for me.
It all started and ended (literally) when my wife brought home a cat.
That initiated a dark chain of events known as The Search for the Perfect Scoop.
We went through several plastic iterations of cat poop scoopers. As each one broke and I was forced to search anew, my anger grew.
The purpose of a product is to satisfy some need, right? Apparently I had a fantastical need to buy a new cat poop scoop approximately every 21 days.
There’s nothing quite like the feeling of spending your money on a piece of shit that ends up broken in your hands. The person responsible is probably on the other side of the world. In that moment, what can you do? It’s a very helpless feeling.
Eventually I found a metal cat poop scoop. I’m no dummy. I wasn’t going to be taken with a plastic scoop for $12.99. No way! I reasoned the $20 metal scoop would be worth it in the long run. At long last the circle would be broken and I would reign supreme atop the heap.
I misunderestimated my opponent.
The unknown person had my $20 and I had a metal cat poop scoop. Which leads to an interesting question:
Which do you think is stronger? Metal or poop?
If you replied “metal” I applaud your naive optimism. Because, long story short, poop destroyed that metal motherfucker.
Yesterday I spent my time in vain trying to scoop the detritus out of the litter with the mangled remains of a metal claw.
Somewhere in the world is the person who did this. My enemy is fiendishly clever. This person is wealthier than me. This person lives in a nicer house. This person enjoys the more lavish lifestyle.
All because I spent my $20 on a metal cat poop scoop that was scientifically and deliberately designed to fail within a matter a months. And what is my recourse? There’s no poop scoop fairy to swoop in and make things right. I don’t even know who to sue.
Meanwhile I have an escalating problem on my hands. (So to speak.) I need another scoop. Holy mother of God, why?