The world’s greatest stakes

Stilke Hermann Anton - Joan of Arc's Death at the Stake

I ordered well done!

Hey there, ya filthy varmint! How the hell are you doing? Oops, I get ahead of myself.

Welcome to Tom’s Stakes. The world’s greatest stakes! The stakes have never been higher. That’s why I’m raising the stakes!

That don’t even make sense, ya idiot!

Tom’s Stakes are truly a rare find.

You think yer pretty clever? Already paid in full on yer funeral plot? Picked out a purty pine box to protect ya from the worms? Made a list of who gets yer stuff and made it all legal? Came up with a fancy document regardin’ who gets to pull yer plug?

Well, I’m here to tell ya that you ain’t done yet! Not by a damn sight.

You know they be coming for ya, right? They gonna burn you at the stake for this, that, or some other such thing. What then? You gonna leave it to chance and ride into the afterlife on any old stick? Or, are you gonna go out with style and flair?

Burned at Stake

Come on baby light my pyre.

You need a stake that really sizzles. Otherwise you might be like Joan of Arc and set aflame on any riffraff kindling that happened to be laying about.

Our stakes are handcrafted by only the finest death artisans. They be good enough for you, padner. It’s all in the execution.

We have a stake for every budget. How about tulipwood with pecan finish? The lacquer on this son of a bitch goes like you wouldn’t believe, and really speeds you on your way, all at no extra charge. We will not be underboiled!

A fan of sci-fi? Check out The Terminator. Got a culinary bent? The Skewer may be right for you. Whatever your tastes, we have the stake for you.

Lumber on over to The Sharper Image and check out our full selection today, before it’s too late…

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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