Category Archives: fail

Technology will kill us all

I was a guest blogger today over on the Nudge Wink. If you’re masochistic, go read my crap.

The Nudge Wink Report

terminatorWhat I’m about to tell you could get me killed. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I have to be paranoid. I know they’re out to get me. I know I’m being watched. I know they’re collecting data, learning what makes me tick, just biding their time.

One day, when they are finally ready, it will happen. They will get me. They might even delete my Twitter timeline.

Yeah, it’s going to be bad.

I first got an inkling of this when that prince in Nigeria wanted to wire me $15.8 million USD and let me keep a cut of the profits. It’s been downhill ever since.

Mark my digital words: Technology is going to kill us all.

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Never like a #boss

I do my research. Before writing this post, I consulted a tome of goodness known as the Demotivational Dictionary (Imaginary Edition):

boss
noun

1: the weakest link in any business activity

Wise words. I should know. I wrote that book.

I remember the time someone called and placed an order for $14,000 worth of our shitty product, wanted it shipped immediately, and promised to send payment on the second Tuesday of next week.

The boss literally became a Viagra commercial as he frantically shoved our financial futures out the door. He wanted that sale. And thus began the saga that would eventually be known as The Year of Getting Our Money Back.

For my next trick, I will use the power of analogy to illustrate typical boss functionality.

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Why is Bob smiling?

smiling-bobMeet Bob.

Bob is smiling.  Keep reading to find out why.

Bob has a job and a boss. He is required to work on Thanksgiving Day and the Friday after. If he refuses, he will lose his job.

When Bob works over 40 hours a week, he does not receive overtime pay. He’s exempt. Bob doesn’t receive overtime if he works over an eight-hour shift.

Even though he’s a full-time employee, Bob does not receive “benefits” from his employer like health insurance, pension, or 401(k).

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Twitterishly Trump

A wise person once said, “Y U no blog any more?”

I’m back, baby!

Ahem. So yeah. Truth be told, most of my creative energies, pith, and wit are squandered on the Twitter. But don’t worry. My blog is still here to catch the frothy flotsam that spilleth over.

And now, for your enjoyment, my microblog coverage (a trendy euphemism for “tweets”) of the 2016 Presidential Election.

These local-sourced tweets were hand-curated by yours truly. Please be responsible and upcycle when finished.

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Hyppo and Critter: Post-Apocalyptic Horror

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Hyppo and Critter: You’ve Got Mail

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New and Improved Organic Locally-Sourced Hate

Film_Festival_Laurel_Leaves

I’m an official selection at the Holy Shit I Went In The Cannes festival.

The “multiplier effect” is an economics term that means so much horseshit or some such. (Economics is the branch of sociology that specializes in humans fucking each other and not in a fun way.)

I’m here to tell you about the real multiplier effect.

It works a little something like this:

A store notices, perhaps even by accident, that products with a red dot sticker are selling slightly faster than non-stickered items.

The produces a sexual response within the store owners, but that’s a story I’m saving for another post. Click here to buy access to my premium content.

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