I slipped out of my home and blended into the urban landscape. Nothing to notice here. Just another lost soul looking miserable and drifting along with the tides of refuse dotted across the city. For good measure I even added a limp which wasn’t that much of a stretch since my ankle was still smarting from being smashed on a rock during our last whitewater rafting trip. (A story that has yet to be told.)
No fedora, tattoos, Nike footwear, North Face jacket or 1890’s neckbeards for me. I was projecting identity that screamed, “Leave me the fuck alone.” It helps a lot to be ugly and look as grim as possible.
And so it was I moved silently through the city. Which is rather odd for me since I seldom leave the house. We’re the quintessential Portland family. We have less automobiles than residents in our home. My wife was gone so that meant I had to make other arrangements.
Arriving at the bus stop I leaned against the sign. I must have just missed it since it took many spawns to arrive. I climbed aboard and asked the driver, “Is it okay if I don’t have exact change?” He said it was so I stuck in three one dollar bills for the $2.50 fare. My transfer printed and I couldn’t help but notice no change was offered. So that’s how that shit works. I paused for a reflective moment of gratitude that I hadn’t tried a one hundred dollar bill.
You see a coworker take a piece of office candy. You grab an Uzi and gun them down. Sorry, that’s a note to file. That sort of infraction goes on your permanent record. Go back three spaces.
—Candy Banned playing card
Last week I came in to work one morning and cow orker was abuzz with excitement. She even said “good morning” in violation of office protocol forcing me to grunt in response on the way to my desk.
What could possibly have her so worked up I asked myself out of boredom in sheer desperation. I could care less and forgot the whole thing. But then, unbidden, she explained it to me anyway.
“We got another one!” she exuberated breathlessly. “Another one!”
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Abyss Island: S1E11 – They’re Gonna Put Me In The Movies / A Night To Dismember
Last night was a heady time on Abyss Island. Lots of comings and goings and what nots and so forths. It was almost too much for a lonely rice-eating bean-eating castaway to deal with. Almost.
It was Day 33 of 39 of my exile from deliciousness. The agenda for the evening included a reward challenge and then watching some weenies on TV try to duplicate my greatness. Ha!
Dinner consisted of, you guess it, a serving a plain white rice. I was out of beans. (They got replenished this morning and the crock pot is crocking them.)
Tree mail hinted at the promise of a reward:
Keep your eye on the ball
Try not to fall
Keep your balance true
And you’ll be A-mazed when you’re thru
Hmm. Sounds like one of those marble labyrinth thingies. Finally! A nice relaxing challenge.
Never underestimate the viciousness of the host.
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It’s Christmas time. You know what that means. Bring on the “holiday themed” candies that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas!
I don’t know if Hershey’s Kisses were the first, but it feels like it. So I blame them.
With Kisses it was okay, almost acceptable, and maybe just a little bit cute.
According to Wikipedia, 1962 was the first year that Kisses were available in different colored foiled wrappers (red, green, silver) for the Christmas season. After that the sky was the limit: Easter (1968), Valentine’s Day (1986), Fall Harvest (1991), Independence Day, Breast Cancer (pink), camouflage, and more.
My god, when is enough enough?
Other candy makers, of course, couldn’t be content to let Hershey’s Kisses have all the fun. Tonight at the store I saw holiday-themed Butterfinger candies. Zoiks.
I saw Jelly Belly candy canes.
But, the topper of all, I think, has to be the “holiday gift packs” of Tic Tacs. These are friggin’ breath mints! I saw these at the store tonight, too. For a breath mint they sure took my breath away. Maybe that’s what breath mints do.
This thought immediately shot like a bullet through my skull. “Finally! Someone has found the ideal product that will, at long last, fill that aching void in the American soul. Thank God we now have holiday-themed Tic Tacs!”
I need to go to the mall. Stat!
“Hi Timmy! Have you been a good boy?”
“And what do you want for Christmas this year?”
“World peace, daddy to quit drinking, my parents back together, and oh yeah, some holiday-themed Tic Tacs.”
“Ho ho ho, Timmy! What a sweet boy. You shall have your Tic Tacs!”