Tag Archives: career

Growth Of Thorns

Is it just me or is growth perverted?

Is it just me or is growth perverted? O Face.

I used to think any form of growth was unsustainable. Just like a perpetual motion machine it’s one of those things that’s impossible. (One of my favorite words.) Then, just now, sitting here, one of my brain cells did something. (It can happen.) For lack of any originality on my part let’s call it my latest theory, k?

Tom’s Theory #42 – Societal Asshole Leech Theory (SALT)

The percentage of leech-based humans is growing over time. Or, the more advanced a civilization the higher the amount of leechage.

As far as we know, there is no causal relationship with the number of pirates known to exist, but admittedly further testing is required. This is a work in progress. (I was on a break.)

98% of all email is spam. Of those messages, 98% attempt to deceive or infect. (The rest merely sell growth products like Viagra, the greatest achievement of our civilization and, dare I say, the entire universe and space-time continuum.) My web server is probed and attacked by cyber-terrorists (mostly from China and Russia) 36 hours a day. There’s an entire subset of humanity that does not have jobs and produces nothing of value yet still has food, shelter, cigarettes, pets, cars, smartphones and internet access.

Is this amount of leechage really on the rise or is it merely my touchy empirical perceptions?
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Bye Bye Bitches

keep-calm-and-bye-bye-bitchesFrom time to time here in the Abyss we receive unsolicited manuscripts. I want to assure the loyal reader that Mrs. Abyss was not coached in any way, shape or form by yours truly and came up with the following missive completely on her own. She did steal my cow orker bit, though. -Ed.

This is a true account of one girl’s departure from the fiery pit of Hell known as… work. She had the courage to claw her way out but not before facing four long years of pain, suffering, under-appreciation, long hours, criticisms, crawling from under the bus, anger, hatred, hysterical laughter and gut-wrenching tears.

But alas she escaped, bloodied and with broken fingernails, scars across her back, evil images burned in her mind, clothes dirty and torn… but with a smile on her face. A smile of freedom.

The Notice

I gave a three-week notice. I’m a sicko.
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Choices

gerbil-clipart-1What do you want out of life???

I don’t know if I’ll try to answer that question. But I do know this: Watch both Zeitgeist movies, a few choice TED videos, and finish it off with the Story of Stuff and you might just say, “Brother, it sure as hell ain’t this!” And then depression sets in…

In my study of gerbils I have pondered mysteries both great and deep.

For Abyss newbies:

“Gerbil” is the term I have coined for younglings that fail to empty nest on schedule. And then, later, when they belatedly emerge from the nest sans high school diploma and any discernable life plan, they do things like go on food stamps, obtain medical marijuana cards (sore back), drink lots of alcohol, sleep until 5pm, stay up until 5am, take pictures of themselves smoking and post them on Facebook, and avoid jobs, school and self-improvement at all costs.

That’s the modern genus of gerbil that I am familiar with.

A Rush song famously said, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Indeed. The modern gerbil lifestyle is a choice!

I took a gerbil aside one day and offered words that I thought, in my hubris, might somehow be wise.

Trust me on this. It ain’t easy coming back from a gerbil bite.

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Hyppo and Critter: Full Time Dependency

Hyppo and Critter: Full Time Dependency

Interview Success – Honesty Can Suck It

The other day when I wrote about Facebook being the new creepy I got so worked up and excitable that I completely forgot the point. The main point. Writing an entire article and forgetting the primary thrust. Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. And in more ways than one, if you get my thrust. (Wink, wink.)

This is part two in our ongoing series entitled Shit I Forgot To Say. Enjoy!

Let’s say you’re the elite. You wisely went out and got yourself a shiny Facebook page.

You voluntarily put your real name on it.

You populated the account with a myriad of pictures of your wonderful countenance. Because the world needs more of that. Yeah.

And then, gasp, you did something truly out there. You went way beyond the pale.

You spoke the truth about that fig pucker, your boss.

Obviously you can never have a job again.
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Measuring my worth

Yesterday I experienced a sobering thought. It rattled me hard.

My current hourly wage is the same as what I made in 1986.

Fuck. Seriously. Why the fuck did that thought have to cross my brain? As if I didn’t have enough to think about already. Like all great thoughts, it has really stuck with me. I find myself thinking about it all the time.

1986. Gee. That was 24 years ago.

I mentioned this thought to a co-worker. She was like, “Hey. That’s a year before I was even born.”

It is hard to describe this feeling. Hopefully you can use your imagination.

As a math lover, I decided to celebrate this revelation like I do with all great thoughts … with a graph!

This graph is based on information I obtained using a web site called “Measuring Worth – Relative value of US Dollars.” If you’ve ever heard someone say that “$X amount in X year would be worth $Y amount in today’s dollars” then you already know what this web site does. The site uses six different methods to attempt to answer the question. It shows my 1986 wage compared to what it would be worth today using those six different computational methods.

Yes, like I often do, I omitted the data labels on the left side of the graph. This is out of shame and embarrassment over my current salary range. But I can express it like this: Based on the data I obtained from the Measuring Worth web site, my 1986 hourly wage would worth about 2.4 times what I make today.

In other words I have less than half the buying power that I had in 1986. The word “career” hardly applies. Of course some of the positive thinkers out there (shudder) would be happy to point out that at least I have a job. Hopefully they won’t attempt to express such a sentiment directly to my face.

That graph was so much fun I decided to celebrate with one more.

Some remarks about this graph:

  • 1983 = Cook at McDonald’s
  • 1984 to 1999 = 16 year career at a major company where I worked my way up to management (yes, I used to be somebody)
  • 2000 = Left major company to pursue a more enjoyable job as computer programmer (with cut in pay)
  • 2001 = Moved to the small city to get out of the rat race (with major cut in pay)
  • 2005 to present = Current employer

Well, I think that’s about it. I can’t think of much else to say, except I sure am in the mood to go to work now. Up ahead today may very well be the most special ass fucking of the year, but more about that later after I see how it all goes down. I have little doubt what happens at work today will live up to my wildest expectations and will no doubt completely justify my low rate of pay. Wish me luck!