Mothafukas! So much for that shit.
My operatives have obtained the writer’s and director’s guide for this new series including an advance copy of the script. This humble blog is the exclusive source for this information on the internet.
This is part 42 in our never-ending coverage of the techpocalypse. Note to self: Kill everyone on staff for overusing the apocalypse thing. -Ed
Once upon I time I said, “Golly gee whiz wilikers, I wish I could see anything I wanted at the time of my choosing. You know, that on demand shit.”
That’s when Lt. Uhura showed up, called me “Captain Adventure,” stunned me with her phaser and uproariously laughed, “Be careful what you wish for.”
One thing they never told you. After one is stunned by a phaser blast one will tend to void their bowels. Finally something worthy of pay-per-view.
There came a startling knocking sound…
“That’s odd,” I grumbled to myself. “What the hell is that?” I looked around and it seemed to be coming from a mysterious object I had once named, at random, a “door.” Found upon the door was a piece of spherically-shaped metal which I brilliantly intuited could be used to pry the bloody thing open.
Gazing through the gaping portal I saw a most hideous thing standing on the go-away mat. “What the hell are you?” I gasped.
With an eerily familiar voice it replied, “I’m you from the future.”
My mind reeled. “How far in the future?”
“Tomorrow, to be exact.” God, it sure was ugly. It looked irritated and menacing, too. “Are you going to invite me in?”
Once inside it looked around the living room as if with the eyes of a child. “You’ll have to forgive me,” it said. “This sure brings back memories.”
By now I was feeling pretty damn irritated. My normal routine had been severely disrupted. “I’m feeling damn irritated,” I said. “You’re severely disrupting my normal routine.”
For a second it lost it’s composure. “Don’t you think I know that?!” it snapped ferociously. It took a deep breath and slowly exhaled then seemed to go limp in resignation. After an awkward silence, it finally continued. “I’m here to help you,” it said softly. “To help both of us.”
“Go on,” I barked.
“A few minutes from now,” it said ominously, “something is going to happen. Something completely out of the normal. Something disastrous. I’m here to stop it.”
Suddenly I noticed a gun in it’s hand. That’s odd, I thought lamely to myself. We don’t own a gun. What the hell had happened to me?
Bang. The gun went off. I fell to the floor while clutching my stomach in pain. He had shot our most prized possession. He had just shot our LCD 42″ flat screen TV.
“You son of a bitch! You die!” I screamed as I felt my life oozing away. “Why??”
“Poor little idiot,” he said, literally looking down on me. I couldn’t help but notice he was starting to twinkle, almost as if he was slowly dissolving away. He smiled.
He looked at his dissolving hand in wonderment. “It worked, it worked,” he said, forgetting the question that was currently pending on the floor. Then an expression of fear gripped his hideous face. “At least this time.”
His expression changed to one of resolve then went soft as if he had reached some sort of climactic decision. “What I’m about to say may end the space-time continuum as we know it, everywhere, everything, but fuck it. It might be our only chance.”
“Shut up!” he hissed. “We have very little time.” By now he was about fifty percent translucent, much like the time I had tried to Photoshop a profile image using a real picture of my own face.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said to himself, ignoring me completely. “I never watch broadcast TV. I never even turn it on. I hate the commercials. I avoid it like the plague. But I was supposed to be working. So, yeah, I guess that might be how it happened.”
He turned and looked me in the eye. “I turned on the TV,” he said. He was starting to scare me. “I did it on purpose. It was showing the CBS morning show. God help me, I don’t know why, but I watched.” I was stunned to see tears streaming down his face. “They called it ‘Note to Self.’ Oh God, why did I watch?”
He was almost gone now. He sparkled like a glinty trick of light and I had to lean and strain to hear what he had to say.
“Don’t do what I did. Don’t ever, EVER,” he hissed, “make the mistake of watching Note to Self. It’ll be the death of you.”
And with that, he was gone.
Dazed, I slowly got to my feet and swayed. Wow. What a trip. And what an idiot. How the hell was I going to watch anything with a bullet in my TV? And how the hell was I supposed to avoid doing real actual work?
More importantly, who was going to clean up that mess of ectoplasm where the bastard had been standing?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually not true) but I think I’ve figured out how it works. (I don’t just bitch, either. I’ll also include solutions. I’m proactive that way.)
- Netflix is the only source for Netflix Original programming: House of Cards and Orange Is The New Black.
- Hulu is the only source for Hulu Original programming: None come to mind but I do know they’ll have commercials.
- Amazon Prime has mostly the same shit.
- iTunes offers the same content but at premium ala carte prices.
- HBO is the only source for HBO Original programming: The Newsroom and Game Of Thrones.
- CBS is a bunch of greedy dillholes: Survivor and Big Bang Theory.
- MLB is the only source for most MLB Original programming but only if you have enough money. Otherwise they won’t even stream the goddamned World Series. (I was actually surprised by this, but only for a nanosecond.)
I prognosticated to my wife a long time ago that the days of accessing “content” would soon be coming to a close. This week we moved much closer to that reality. You like some shows on Hulu and some on Netflix? You’ll have to buy both even if the remaining majority of their DNA is essentially the same. Exclusivity is the ticket to getting customers to pay more than once. And make no mistake, it is all out global thermonuclear war on your wallet. That is the only thing that matters. They don’t do this for fun.
The contestants for the 21st season of Survivor have been revealed on the Survivor official web site.
Survivor Nicaragua will start with 20 contestants. The rumor regarding former football coach Jimmy Johnson is confirmed.
The series premiers Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2010 at 8pm on CBS.
CBS today announced the date for the season premier of Survivor Nicaragua, the 21st season of the popular reality show. The show will premier on Wednesday, September 15th at 8pm.
Rumors and other information are starting to flow as CBS gears up to release the identities of this year’s cast sometime in August. There will be two starting teams named “Espada” and “La Flor.” As described on Survivor’s Facebook page: “A great battle between a flower and a sword takes place on the beaches of Nicaragua this September on CBS!!”
There is a rumor that teams will be divided by age with one team over 40 and the other team under 30. This would seem to leave out the 30-somethings, eh? It is also rumored there will be 18 contestants at the start of the show.
Former Dallas Cowboys football coach Jimmy Johnson, age 67, is reportedly a contestant on the show. He might be an interesting choice but I personally don’t see him making it any further than week 4.
Grab your buffs. It’s almost time, people!
Nitwit * Outcast * Outfray
Outfray??? Okay, I admit it. That’s lame as hell. Epic fail! The only other thing that came to mind was “Frito-Lay” and I thought that was even lamer. Sue me!
The 21st season of Survivor is scheduled to start sometime in September 2010. I don’t know the official date yet of the season premier, but my spidey sense is tingling and telling me that the official Survivor web site is going to be updated very soon unveiling this season’s cast members.
In breaking news from today, The Dallas Morning News has reported that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson will be a contestant. (Source.) Prediction: He won’t win. Johnson is currently a football analyst for FOX NFL Sunday. I wonder if FOX hat to put him on waivers so he could appear on an NFL show?
Season 21 of Survivor will reportedly also feature the return of the game-changing “Hidden Immunity Idol.” Jeff Probst has blogged, however, that they will be hidden differently than in previous seasons due to “The Russell Factor.”
Probst has reportedly already signed for seasons 22 of Survivor. The future of the series after that remains uncertain at this time.
For the first time since Survivor Borneo, the initial season of Survivor, the show will air on Wednesdays at 8pm.
Seasons 21 and 22 of Survivor will both reportedly be filmed in Nicaragua near San Juan del Sur. This no doubt will help reduce the costs of producing the show.
The top prize of $1 million still hasn’t been adjusted for inflation since the series originally premiered in the United States in 2000. That’s probably why I don’t even bother. 🙂