Every year or so the stories briefly get featured on the evening news like a blip on a gloomy green radar screen then are as quickly forgotten. Until the next study is released or, worse, some human bodies are asploded. Now that’s news.
Think of a list of professions where you’d really like people to be fully rested and alert. Airline pilots? Air traffic control? Doctors? Truck drivers?
Nice list. Congratulations. You just came up with a list of people that we fuck the most. Logical, right?
This week, again, the issue of employee fatigue was in the news. The FAA commissioned a study on air traffic controller fatigue. The results are none too surprising. Then the government fought for four years to keep the findings secret.
“Psst. Hey dude. I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. You pay top dollar for me to conduct a study about how I’m fucking you over. Then I keep the results secret from you. Sounds like fun, right?”
What could possibly be going on here? Luckily I got a good night’s sleep.
Apparently “Project Natal” has a name now. Microsoft is calling it the Kinect.
For the scariest possible Halloween I plan to dress up as a “Kinect” this year. (I just peed myself.)
Here are my predictions: This is one of the dumbest devices ever conceived. Therefore, of course, the public will gobble it up like lambs led to the slaughter.
The last thing I want to do while video gaming is stand up, much less jerk around like a drunken fool. This is one bad, bad idea.
Microsoft has forgotten one of the most important core principles about video gaming: It’s about sitting on your lazy ass as much as humanly possible.
Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and FAIL!
I just can’t wait to do this shit in the fucking “cloud.”
Oh Microsoft, you know me so well.
You Are the Controller.
Introducing Project Natal, a revolutionary new way to play: no controller required. See a ball? Kick it, hit it, trap it or catch it. If you know how to move your hands, shake your hips or speak you and your friends can jump into the fun — the only experience needed is life experience.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Abort … abort … abort!
Listen up Nintendo, Microsoft and any other video game manufacturers who are high from sniffing your own new electronics smell. The whole point of playing a video game is that I want to sit on my lazy ass. I don’t want to air guitar. I don’t want to pretend to exercise. I don’t want to move my wrist. I don’t want to stand up. I don’t even want to have to fucking lean forward!
Is that clear enough? I currently don’t have a video game system and I’ve never had the remotest interest in the WII. I’ve never even seen one. It suddenly occurred to me that is the huge selling point of the iPhone – no digit on my tiny little hands has to travel more than a few inches to make stuff happen. That is the shiznit! Suddenly it is all so clear.
All I want is some orgiastic feast of blood and gore with the minimal possible movement, preferably accompanied by a death metal soundtrack. Is that too much to ask?
Here are a couple videos to illustrate what I’m layin’ down.