Tag Archives: crap

The Year In Re-Doo-Doo

I ain’t got the time or the inclination to make another year in review video. Maybe next year. Until then I’m recycling this garbage from two years ago. Use your God-given powers of imagination and relive 2014 Shouts From The Abyss classic moments like these:

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Amazonian Spaceā€“Time Continuum

minority-reportWho likes to wait? Not me! That’s why I went back in time to write this post. Ah, here it is! What took so long?

Once upon a time I was in a serious quandary. I wanted some cheap, plastic, materialistic consumer shit made in China and I wanted it now. What to do, what to do?

As I saw it, there were two choices.

I could haul my fat ass up and out of my chair, somehow make it to the car, drive to a big-box store, somehow make it inside and navigate the maze to (hopefully) the right section where the object of my desire might be found. All the while being blasted by a tasty mix of songs scientifically designed to make me spend more money. (The mix is a rotation of two songs. Happy, by Pharrell Williams and anything by Mumford & Sons.)

I say “might” because I’ve tried this in the past and it didn’t quite work out. Ever go to the store to buy one specific thing? After expending incredible effort (see previous paragraph) you learn it isn’t even there. Out of stock. I do not believe there is a worse feeling in the entire universe.

And that other choice I mentioned earlier? Amazon. Duh.
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King Macklemore And The Game Of Thrones

macklemoreThe #poop tag comes back with a vengeance. –Ed.

You just can’t invent stuff like this. King, a county in Washington state, released a music video imploring the public to not put anything in the toilet except “human waste.” Swoon. I may have found a new home. Their song is a parody of Macklemore’s smash hit Thrift Shop.

I admit I’d never heard the song Thrift Shop. I admit I’d never heard of anyone named Macklemore. Is that his first or last name? Or is this a single-name-situation like Madonna, Prince, Sting and Digit?

In an urge to write a post about this parody song, I turned to Google to find a suitable image to adorn my writings. What? Macklemore also did a song about toilets?

Holy shitcans! Sometimes life can be funny. Behold, Simba, the circle of life! Everything goes full circle. Like water swirling down a drain.

But wait. The circle doesn’t end there. This circle has got levels replete with layers, yo.

As far as I can tell, Macklemore is turd. Turds go in toilets. That’s exactly what King County wants you to know. Further, their parody song riffs on the word “fucking” by replacing it with “flushing.” Yes, a government did this. And, finally, to bring it all back home, in his spare time, Macklemore raps about toilets.

Circle. Full. Flush. Repeat.

No crap about it, this could amuse me all day long. And, in an ironic twist of fate, some have criticized the $123,000 spent on the music video as governmental waste. Cover Oregon had their own famous example of this. Has the King of Waste finally been dethroned? (Reportedly $2.9 million was spent on the Cover Oregon TV and radio spots.) Rocky King, the former executive director of Cover Oregon, said that urgent time frames drove the need for the expensive campaigns. They didn’t have a lot of time to get the word out. Yes, King. (No relation to the county.) I told you this was all connected.

You can’t spell “crap” without R-A-P. Kick it! It’s time to tell you busters all about it!
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Lard Fail

yard-saleOut in the street in front of our drive was a sawhorse festooned with a garish sign and, get this, a festive baby blue helium balloon dancing playfully in the air.

My wife knows how to throw a party.

“A balloon,” I said. “Where the hell did you get a helium balloon?”

“At the dollar store.”

“Huh. How much did it cost?”

Dripping with more sweat than Mike Rowe driving a Ford Truck, I had just muscled tons of our most useless crap out on the front lawn. My normally well-oiled brain wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders.

Weird how it was that moment the heavens decided to deluge our asses and stuff. I welled up with despair as I watched the rain beating down against that little helium balloon. I’m proud to say it didn’t fight back much. Soon it lay there, on the ground, like a fresh chunk of roadkill.

It wasn’t a winner, but I knew how to handle that. I dashed out in the rain and pinned it with a “participant” ribbon taken from my trophy collection. It popped and was gone for good.

Our “yard sale” was officially underway.
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Bird Ingestion Nth Guano Objectives #poop

In our excrement we are pleased to bring you this latest piece of coverage in our ongoing series All Things Poop. No one covers poop like us.

Sure, BINGO is glitzy, glamorous and loads of fun, but it has never been made accessible to the hip under-80 crowd. Until now.

Once upon a time some touchy-feely bleeding-heart bastards had kittens about cock fighting and criminalized that great and wonderful sport. Suddenly the human race was left to wither on the barren wastes in search of another intrepid activity worthy of ourĀ abscessions.

If you’ve been pining for the next great bird-oriented sport, well, wait no longer! Your prayers have been answered! No more living on a wing and a prayer.

Is the sky falling? Nope. It’s just Chicken Little. And he’s here for a very good reason.
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Singer/Songwriter Tom B. Taker

Oh yeah. Residuals. I now will feck you up with a spirited rendition of an a cappella performance piece I wrote while on vacation. And no, it wasn’t in Wyoming. That’s just an unfortunate naming coincidence.

I have to admit, this is one of the crappiest songs I’ve ever written.

Make the jump to view the video goodness. Enjoy!
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Bag of Crap

I just saw something called “A Bag of Crap” for sale over on Woot.com. Then their web server crashed because too many people were trying to buy this highly desirable item at the same time.

Says Wikipedia:

In lieu of typical product sales, Woot occasionally offers a blind grab bag officially called “Random Crap.” While today its accompanying picture of a paper lunch bag with a question mark has kept its unofficial name “Bag of Crap,” (BOC) it was originally dubbed “Bag of Crap” during the early years of the site when a physical bag of some kind (notebook, iomega zipper bags, etc.) was sold with the 1-3 “craps” and was part of what you were buying. Today, the BOC contains at least three “crappy” items and one bag whose value and quality are not guaranteed, but sometimes expensive items are included. The BOC typically triggers millions of order requests and sells out within seconds, causing server lag and usually a crash. During the January 25, 2011 selling, the website received a record 3.1 million requests, and the product was sold out within eight seconds.

During April Fools Day 2011, Woot staged a “Bag of Crap” flash game, which users were instructed to play in order to win the privilege of buying Bags of Crap. On April 1, 2011, eight thousand Bags of Crap were sold. Later in the day, once the Bag of Crap selling period was over, a Woot admin said that there were over seven million attempts to get the Bags of Crap.

I gotta get me some of that.