Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant
There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.
The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.
The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.
A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.
Duties include (but are not limited to):
- Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
- Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
- Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
- Clean toilets
- Handwash underwear
- Make coffee
- Take dictation
- Pre-chew all gum
- Serve as ergonomic ottoman
- Edit blog posts
- Take messages
- Give massages
- Offer opinion on all tweets
- Spam “like” social media as directed
- Participate in friendly pillow fights
- Screen calls especially those from my wife
- Conduct blind taste tests
- Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
- Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often
Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.
This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.
If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.
If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.
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Tom’s Law #42
Never accept personal hygiene advice from someone who smells like the laundry hamper from the high school football team’s locker room.
Perhaps you’ve met the sort. The sort that acts superior like they are somehow better than you in every way. I guess you have to grudgingly admire an overactive imagination:
I’m smarter than you. Except everything I do ends up being the most idiotic shit you’ve ever seen.
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YouTube. The best way ever to look in vain for video content that used to be there but has since been rendered “unavailable” for one reason or another. Looking down my “Favorites” this morning I was suddenly struck by the sheer number of them marked as “video unavailable.” Well ain’t that just a barrel o’ fun?
Here’s a favorite of mine that is still online and just happens to be the best karaoke song of all-time. Plug of a few slugs of hard liquor in me and I’ll get jiggy with this song ever freakin’ time.
Of course, “embedding disabled by request” for this video. Isn’t sharing content fun?
Credit shouts: Tshirt image generated using the Custom TShirt Generator.