There’s so much fake news of late, some folks have been moved to quip, “Maybe the Earth ain’t round after all. Maybe it’s flat.”
So I felt compelled to add my two cents of circular logic.
Come what may.
This just in: The Earth’s tilt (or spin axis, if you will) is still 23.5 degrees. Ooooh, yikes. That’s a mite chilly, mate. 23 freaking degrees?!? Are we talking fahrenheit or celsius? Either way, that’s colder than [insert your own obscene colloquialism here] in a pickle jar!
That’s pretty damn cold.
Weather segments on the local news have always been a bit extreme, full of histrionics and hyperbole. ZOMG, tomorrow there’s going to be wet, sun, fog, humidity, wind, mist, hail, and, worst of all, clouds. No shit? Really? Ya think?
Tell you what? If you can successfully predict before it happens when lizards will fall out of the sky, wake me up. Okay? Until then? Shut your fucking omen hole.
Continue reading →
An entity that was/is/will be known as Wuleghu phased into what humans might call existence across the infinite reaches of the space time continuum.
Simultaneously, everywhere else, an incorporeal form comprised of pure energy and consciousness was doing exactly the same thing. This being was known by the name of Otomib.
Each was aware of the other. It was the now of The Meeting of the Universe. Although they existed across all space and time, for the purpose of limited understanding by primitive human brains, you can describe The Meeting as taking place in a construct known as a Control Room, if it brings you comfort to think of it so. A plaque on the door read, “Universe Control Room #2.”
Over a trillion Earth years ago, Wuleghu had created a mote of energy in preparation for the moment. That energy manifested itself in the form of an opening to a conversation.
“Good morning, Otomib.”
The construct of an Earth day is used here to help with understanding.
The Meeting had begun.
“How are you?” asked Wuleghu.
“Meh. I’ve been better.”
Wuleghu shrugged and somewhere by his big toe a black hole was created.
“We better get started,” it said. “Is The Report ready?”
Otomib nodded, causing a star to go supernova and spiral into Wuleghu’s black hole, and handed over The Report.
“Let’s get this business over with,” Wuleghu said as he began to read from The Report.
GALAXY: Milky Way
LOCATION: Third Orbital named “Earth”
GEOGRAPHY: Northern hemisphere, continent named “North America”
Wuleghu grunted in disgust. “Earth? Really?”
“It happens sometimes,” said Otomib, cleverly and knowingly employing a variation on a shit joke.
Wuleghu continued to read.
LIFE FORM DESIGNATION: Tom B. Taker
“Good God,” said Wuleghu. “What have we done to deserve this?”
“It comes with the job. It’s best to get this done then we can move on to something else.”
“Well, I’m skipping ahead to the summary.”
Subject is mostly harmless. Has been employed all of his life since age 16. Obeys the law. Arrests: 1. Convictions: 0. Does not dissemble on taxes. Ethical, moral, and tries to live by the Golden Rule. Does not cause pain.
Universe gifts bestowed: None.
Status: Low income, no access to health care, various ailments including destroyed spine, stabbing pain in heart, and psychosomatic vision problems. Null values in power, influence, and desirability schema.
Energy condition: Nominal but failing. Termination eminent.
Wuleghu tossed The Report aside. “That’s enough, dammit. I’m ready. You?”
“We now render The Recommendation.”
“Let’s do it.”
A knowing look was exchanged. They both nodded. An understanding was shared and grokked. Otomib took the report and, using a rubber stamp, embossed upon The Decision of The Meeting.
Freshly adorned with the text – MAINTAIN/NO CHANGE – Otomib shoved The Report down The Slot where it would wait for eternity to never be reviewed again.
Bonus image: Wanna feel small?
Shouts to the Alien Names generator for the proper names of the protagonists used in this post.
The following are recent “Image of the Day” images from the excellent web site NASA Earth Observatory.
Above: Sunset on the Indian Ocean as seen from the International Space Station on May 25, 2010.
Above: When aurora occur near the North Pole they are known as aurora borealis. When they occur near the South Pole they are known as aurora australis. This image is aurora australis as observed from the International Space Station on May 29, 2010.