Attention food manufacturers: I could be representing your product online. Hire me and experience a whole new world of exposure. What would it be like? Here’s a little taste. –Ed.
“What is that?” some moron asked me one day.
I chewed and gulped hard. “It’s a ham and cheese sandwich,” I replied even though my mouth was still full.
“And what the hell is that?” they continued with their clever line of questioning.
“I’ll be happy to explain it for you.”
First find yourself some wheat. Harvest the caryopsis (a combination of endosperm, germ, and bran) and mill it to a fine powder. Add some water and a handful of single-cell microorganisms (species Saccharomyces cerevisiae), stir, let rest and insert into a high-temperature chamber for awhile.
Meanwhile kill a pig. Process the meat via curing, smoking or salting. Slice the meat thin.
Find a cow (preferably a female). Gather the white liquid produced by the mammary glands. Allow the liquid to curdle, then beginning mill when it becomes curds. Do this for a long while until the sharp edges of the curd pieces are removed. Allow to ripen. Finally, process the whole thing with additional cow white liquid, salt, preservatives and food coloring. Shape (wheel or loaf) and allow to harden. Be sure approx. 10% or less of the final product is mold. Slice into thin pieces.
Using the same white liquid, agitate forcefully until the fat is separated from the rest. To the fat add salt, flavorings and preservatives. Spread this substance on half of the baked wheat product made earlier.
Finally, take an emulsion of oil and combine in a blender with the golden-yellow part of the chicken reproduction process and vinegar or lemon juice (your choice). Spread this on the remaining wheat product.
Stick the processes thin meat and thin pieces of white liquid mold between the wheat product pieces. This entire assembly is known as a “sandwich.”
Optional: Fry the whole thing in a skillet, if you wish. It can be served hot or cold.
Note: You can skip the “find a cow” sections by purchasing Kraft Singles which adds the following additional ingredients: milk, whey, milk protein concentrate, milkfat, sodium citrate, contains less than 2% of calcium phosphate, whey protein concentrate, salt, lactic acid, sorbic acid as a preservative, cheese culture, annatto and paprika extract (color), enzymes, vitamin d3. (Source: Wikipedia.)
Ah, Europe. A place where they eat cigarettes like Halloween candy going out of style yet worry about every little nit when it comes to their food.
“Oui! Next week I may hack up a cancerous thing that used to be a lung but today I will live, dammit, live! The juices of life must be savored to the fullest! The one thing we must absolutely never allow is diphenylamine in our food, you damn foolishly greedy capitalistic yanks.”
I, for one, say thanks. Because, without the European Food Safety Authority banning this, that and the other thing, I wouldn’t be able to say things like: “Oh yeah? Well Kraft Macaroni & Cheese still contains two artificial dyes banned in Europe.” Chef Booyah la de Fuckin’ Dah!
Kraft Foods is an American food company that was owned by a tobacco company until recently when they jury rigged the corporate legalese by rebranding Philip Morris as Altria Inc. and allegedly, in 2007, successfully underwent a Siamese twins separation operation, at least theoretically on paper. That’s because Kraft wants you to know they care about what you put in your body. Kraft Kares ™.
Continue reading →
Stone Age ~ Copper Age ~ Bronze Age ~ Iron Age ~ Industrial Revolution ~ Atomic Age ~ Space Age ~ Information Age
But what comes after the Information Age?
I think I have figured that out. It’s the pinnacle of human achievement, at least until the Nano Age gets here.
I’m talking about, of course, the Wheat Thins Age.
Once a civilization has achieved a sufficient number of varieties of Wheat Thins, then you know they really got their shit going on. Oh, snap!
There isn’t a precise science to calculating when the Wheat Thins Age has been reached, but I think it’s about ten. Let’s see how many we can find. Continue reading →
Kraft Foods wants to buy Cadbury. The headline writers are having a field day talking about the “sweet” deal and how Kraft kept “sweetening” their offer. Hardy har har. A true headline editor with grit would have talked more about how Cadbury was about to embark on an express voyage up the “hershey highway.”
Who is Cadbury? A British confectionery and beverage company. According to Wikipedia it is the world’s second-largest confectionery company after Mars/Wrigley. Some of their most popular products are, no doubt, Cadbury’s Mini Eggs and Cadbury Easter Eggs. Cadbury Global is also the maker of Stride chewing gum, Halls cough drops, Bubblicious, Certs, Chiclets, Trident and well over 100 other brands of products.
The most amazing thing about Kraft Foods that you may or may not already know – it is owned by a tobacco company! To me, nothing says tasty food goodness more than knowing my food has come from a tobacco company.
- Kraft was acquired by tobacco corporation Philip Morris in 1988 for $12.9 billion.
- In 2000, Philip Morris bought Nabisco, the maker of Oreo cookies, for $19.2 billion, and merged it with Kraft.
- In 2007, Kraft bought the cookie business of Danone — which includes well-known French brand LU — for $7.2 billion.
- Kraft’s other major brands include Oscar Mayer hot dogs, Maxwell House instant coffee, Philadelphia cream cheese and chocolate brands Milka and Toblerone, acquired when it bought Jacobs Suchard in 1990.
- Kraft is the world’s second-largest food group after Nestle.
Philip Morris makes products like the following brands of cigarettes: Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Merit, Parliament, Benson & Hedges, L&M, Chesterfield, Lark, Cambridge and Basic.
Philis Morris recently tried to rebrand themselves as Altria, but that was just a ploy to throw us off the scent. We still know who they really are.
Philip Morris owns lots of other brands, too, like breakfast cereals: Alpha-Bits, Banana Nut Crunch, Blueberry Morning, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Cream of Wheat, Cream of Rice, Fruit & Fibre, Golden Crisp, Grape-Nuts, Great Grains, Honey Bunches of Oats, Honeycomb, Oreo O’s, Pebbles, Raisin Bran, Shredded Wheat, Toasties and Waffle Crisp.
Philip Morris even makes other stuff like Altoids, Milk Bone, Di Giorno, Cracker Barrel, A-1 Sauce, Bull’s Eye BBQ Sauce and Kool-Aid.
Thirsty? Don’t forget the beer! Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Genuine Draft Light, Miller High Life, Miller High Life Light, Milwaukee’s Best, Milwaukee’s Best Light, Icehouse, Foster’s, Red Dog, Southpaw Light, Leinenkugel’s, Henry Weinhard’s, Henry’s Hard Lemonade, Hamm’s, Mickey’s, Olde English 800, Magnum, Presidente and Sharp’s non-alcohol brew.
Getting the idea yet? These are two whopping big companies! Blended together they will represent a collective capable of assimilating the entire planet.
On Jan. 19, 2009, Kraft made a cash-and-stock offer to Cadbury worth $19 billion. It is anticipated that the deal will be accepted by Cadbury’s board ending a month’s long hostile takeover battle between the two companies.
All I can say is: I don’t want anything near my mouth or in my body that came from Philip Morris. Cadbury, once assimilated by the Kraft Borg, will sadly be included on that list.
One thing seems clear: Philip Morris wants it so that no matter what you eat, when you poop, Kraft Krap comes out. My goal in life is to be the “fiber” to that nefarious plan!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smoke a box of Velveta. There’s no single cheese like Velveta. It’s colby, swiss and cheddar, blended all togeddar!