Tag Archives: mental

Guru Comic: À Votre Santé!

guru-mental-health

Snot

puzzleIt’s been a long, long time since I generated a puzzle.

All you have to do is figure out what’s going on in this excerpted column of numbers. Any bean counters out there? This is a great way to spend your free time.

Don’t bother searching for help. Even the almighty Google is powerless to help you here.

Let’s roll!

293964673
843711893
934911548
657511668
675385661
629282665
428252383
827272787
137477727
111774723
111167338
111185574
111166766
111156824
111122114
111177114
111126116
111199116
625268916
628863136
634362136
832337832
433338138
533333933
433333633
433333133
433333833
611179566
211159619
911187516
111111316
111111114
111111117
111111115
111111113
111111111

Pain Man

banksy-girlI’m sitting here writing this post in my Kmart underwear … and nothing else. Yes, even though Kmart sucks. Maybe because of it. I gotta be me. We all know how much I enjoy humiliation.

I don’t know much and what I do know seems to be shrinking on an almost daily basis. My existence is increasingly consumed by thoughts regarding my sanity.

For those keeping track the opening paragraph was “underwear” and the follow-up paragraph was “shrinkage.” This is known as a progression of ideas. I’m building up to something. You are wise to still be reading this.

Aside from all that, there seems to be something else going on.

My rate of “Rain Man” moments seems to be on the rise. There’s been an uptick in momentia, if you will.

No, we decidedly do not refer to them as “senior moments.” Despite being a grumpy grandpa and standing on my lawn and yelling at kids, I’m not ready for that schtick just yet. Not while I’m still young and in my prime.

Besides, I’m an excellent driver.

Then I was responsible for a car accident after going to the pharmacy to pick up my “meds.” Oh, shit. Did I just use the word “meds?” This is the end.

So yeah, that happened.
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Mental Map of United States

mental-united-states

Societal Nuts

swattingThe news is abuzz with a story about “swatting.”

What is swatting? I figured it had something to do with flies or, perhaps, it was a new street lingo euphemism for something disgusting (sexual) done in bed. I was wrong on both counts. Like everything important in life, Wikipedia provides illumination:

Swatting is the tricking of any emergency service (via such as a 9-1-1 dispatcher) into dispatching an emergency response based on the false report of an on-going critical incident.

Source: Wikipedia – Swatting

A particularly nasty version of swatting is when you hoax the police into sending a SWAT (Special Weapons And Tactics) response to the home of your sworn enemy and kicking in their door, possibly shooting them while they reach for their salad fork and generally ruining their day. This is the sort of thing kids consider to be trendy these days.
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A Vacation Proposal

Some of my Twitter followers go with me on vacation.

All I ever wanted. Request denied.

Sorry. Not writing a post today, I am. Vacation on am I.

I better hurry up, though. I gotta be at work in a few minutes.

Does your employer offer paid vacation? No law requires employers to give their workers paid vacation days, but most companies do pay for some vacation days: More than 90% of all full-time employees in private industry receive paid vacation, according to 2011 figures from the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Source: NOLO.com

Wow. More than 90% of full-time employees have vacation time in this country. And, according to the BLS, that factoid only considers private industry, and they should know! As a government agency I’m sure they’ve got vacations squirting out of their privates. If you factor in governmental employees I’m sure that percentage grows to something about the size of the Death Star.

The beauty of a having a boss that feels vacations are superfluous for full-time employees is that they can never control your mind. I’ll take a mental vacation any goddamned time that I please.

By the way? Are you hiring? Be sure to ask for a copy of my resumé. Yes, you too can harness the power of guru and have it supporting your various nefarious schemes. To guru you listen. Harness power, you can.

Never one to be undaunted, I decided to intrepidly roll up my sleeves and see if I could make the power of maths help me with lack of vacations. You’ll be startled at the results I penciled out.
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Hot Water Burn Baby: I Am Rain Man

rain-manI was going to write something interesting but I forgot what it was.

Kmart sucks!

There’s nothing like waking up, making a fresh, hot, delicious cup of coffee, preparing your travel mug with cream and sugar – just so – then driving off to work leaving it on the kitchen counter. More about coffee in under a minute…

Lately I’ve been losing my mind more often that usual. So far I’ve been able to find it again, but not until things get dicey.

Is it even possible to lose an iPad around the house? I make it look easy.

I’m definitely not wearing my underwear.
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