I have nothing to say right now. For example, take this post. WordPress told me it’s been in the Drafts folder since October 14, 2009. You can interpret that as an omen that decidedly does not portend well:
Warning: Excellent content ahead.
Why else would I work on it for such a long time? Obviously I refused to be rushed.
The thought crosses my mind, though, that with nothing to say, I probably wouldn’t be a good candidate to be a delivery driver. Think about it. Can you imagine spending your days going into small business offices and engaging in the same inane banter over and over again? The same boring chitter chatter? Day after day? Unimaginable. Unless you have a job. That’s pretty much also the definition of “work.”
“What? A package? Who’s it from?”
It’s that time again. That time when we say, “What the? I didn’t know that guy could comb his hair!”
Yep. People are announcing their intentions to run for public office.
Here are a few notable newbies I’ve noticed so far.
The crooner from American Idol Season 2 lost in the finale by the slimmest of margins to some guy I no longer remember. Yes, he came in second, but he’s the one with staying power. So we’ll call that a wash.
Aiken will be running against incumbent Republican Renee Ellmers in North Carolina’s 2nd District who already took a shot at his “runner up” history.
He’s so serious about this run that he sanitized his Twitter account, but websites are already publishing some of the tweets where he apparently had second thoughts. The internet is forever, Clay.
I’m running for Congress for the same reason I chose to become a special education teacher years ago — to help people in need and to give them a voice.
You might remember her as an adorable cast member from Saturday Night Live. These days Victoria Jackson is a Tea Party conservative who is “very disappointed with the Republican party.” I looked at the list of “memorable characters” she played on SNL but I literally don’t remember any of them.
Jackson has filed to run for an independent position on a board of commissioners in Williamson County, Tennessee.
I think I will fit in quite easily with (the current county commission). I went to the dentist recently and there was a Bible in the lobby of the dentist office. … I love this town [Thompson’s Station]. My two favorite things are here — Jesus and show business.
Technically not a newbie, Wendy Davis is a state-level politician who has announced that she’s running for the Governor of Texas. As a Democrat. In Texas.
She’s most famous for her 11-hour filibuster attempt in 2013 to block abortion legislation.
The incumbent, Rick Perry, has announced he won’t be seeking re-election. That will make this the first open election for governor in Texas since 1990.
I was living as a young single mom. I was 19 when I was divorced, and my daughter was a year old, and I waited tables here three to four nights a week for several years while I was trying to support myself and my daughter and the day I got that acceptance at Harvard Law School was an unforgettable day.
Oops. Apparently Sandra Fluke filed the other day for the California congressional seat currently held by Rep. Henry Waxman. Today, however, it is being reported that she has changed her mind. False alarm.
Fluke, described as “an attorney and women’s rights activist” on Wikipedia, was refused the opportunity to testify to before a congressional committee about insurance plans and birth control. Later, talk show host Rush Limbaugh famously referred to her as a “slut.”
Because we spoke so loudly, opponents of reproductive health access demonized and smeared me and others on the public airwaves. These smears are obvious attempts to distract from meaningful policy discussions and to silence women’s voices regarding their own health care.
Who did I overlook? Are there any other people who have filed for office or potential candidates I may have missed? Which candidates do you find particularly interesting?
FADE IN GRAPHIC: PRESENT DAY, 9:37 AM.
FADE IN to reveal two plain, white walls. The wall on the right contains a window with blinds, drawn up, revealing a fence, trees and a grass lawn. The sky is blue and the sun shines. The sound of a lawn mower can be heard in the distance. Birds chirp. In front of the other wall is a computer desk and chair. A computer, Apple, is turned on and displaying the INTERNET.
In the chair in front of the computer sits a man, HERO. A small cell phone is in his hand and held to his ear. His other hand is holding a piece of paper, previously folded, which has now been opened up.
HERO LOOKS AT piece of paper.
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I’ve designed the perfect man cave. It’s where I work and play. Can you identify all of the creature comforts as shown? I’ll break ’em down after the jump.
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I once quit a job over a staff meeting. True story. I’m sure it’s documented here on the blog somewhere, but long story short, they made us on the 6am crew stick around for a 5pm meeting. I asked, “Is it important?” Our managers assured us it was. “You have to be there,” they said.
The meeting started and the first item of business was rolling out birthday cake for our safety director. At 5-fucking-o-clock. It’s not like most of us would be consuming dinner any time soon.
Then, for the icing on the cake, the rest of the hour was consumed by our managers reading memos to us. Line-by-line. Word-by-word. Like we were in kindergarten or something. Memos that had previously been delivered to our inboxes. Memos I had already read on my very own. It was worse than an insult to our intelligence. It was calling us babies.
After the meeting I opted to go back to my desk rather than heading straight home. I sat there and wrote out a memorandum of my own. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s a classic piece of Americana called the letter of resignation. I plopped that puppy on my manager’s desk and then called it day.
In another place and another time there was another staff meeting. This one involved the quintessential management tool known as the employee survey.
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Easy come, easy go. Another day another feeling like needles are stabbing your ventricles. It’s all in a day’s work. And required per the Employee Handbook.
Recently someone in a comment here on this very blog revealed that they refer to a coworker as The Manwich. (I’m too lazy to go back and look for the author of this absolutely brilliant comment. Speak up and take a bow.)
Giving pet names to coworkers behind their backs is a time-honored technique for workers dealing with the mind-numbing bullshit of their dreary existence in the pursuit of the almighty dollar.
It’s a practice we honor here now on this Feckless Friday.
Today’s challenge is twofold: Tell us about pet names for cretins in your office and/or tell stories about times when someone stepped in it by using the term within earshot of the victim.
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You see a coworker take a piece of office candy. You grab an Uzi and gun them down. Sorry, that’s a note to file. That sort of infraction goes on your permanent record. Go back three spaces.
—Candy Banned playing card
Last week I came in to work one morning and cow orker was abuzz with excitement. She even said “good morning” in violation of office protocol forcing me to grunt in response on the way to my desk.
What could possibly have her so worked up I asked myself out of boredom in sheer desperation. I could care less and forgot the whole thing. But then, unbidden, she explained it to me anyway.
“We got another one!” she exuberated breathlessly. “Another one!”
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