A lot of people ask me, “Hey, asshole. Where do you get your blogging topics?” Good question. Using today as an example, I had an early morning Facebook chat with mom. Later, I decided to write about it. See? That’s how it’s done. -Ed.
I don’t use the Facebook a lot. It’s mainly for poking. And, way less often, liking. I’ve been patiently waiting for the HATE button. I’d settle for DISLIKE. Maybe then I’d use it more.
For me, the primary purpose of Facebook is that it’s a place to post selfies I’ve taken during urban riots when I’m standing atop overturned police cars that are on fire. With my shirt off.
Other than that I have little use for the thing.
Then there’s mom. You respond to a message from mom at your own peril.
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Advisory: This post contains the werd “penis.” We suggest you keep this out of your inbox.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I know it sounds corny
But famous white celebrities
And Tiger! – were feeling quite horny
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I never sound bitter, do I? Recently I’ve been toiling over a hot blog producing lots and lots of words. Long posts with handmade graphs, spreadsheets and shit. Yes, they’ve been political, but I poured my heart and soul into birthing those babies.
Oh well. This my Wednesday and so I’m going to plop up a few photographs I have taken. These should be easier for y’all to digest. About 10 days ago we took a little photography trip and these are some of my shots. For some damn reason I really have a penchant for signs. And I almost never take pictures of humans. That’s only natural, I guess, since I find them disgusting.
All pictures can be clicked for larger views.
All photographs in this post were iPhoned by the blogger formerly known as ~#^7>u. Please, no autographs. I hate writing that fucking name. Next time I’m going to change my name to . or somethin’.
Yeah, I took a trip to the Walmart once. The other day my wife said she was going, so naturally I asked, “Can I come along?”
There were no anti-bacterial wipes at the entrance so my wife had to actually touch the shopping cart. And she hasn’t touched anything since – especially me! We asked the official greeter about the wipes, but she feigned ignorance.
Just to mess with my wife, I demanded an Egg McMuffin (no meat) before we actually stepped inside the store. Luckily there was a McDonald’s right there. Handy! It has been my dream to walk around a Walmart with McDonald’s food in my hand. Scratch one from my New Year’s resolutions list!
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What’s an iPod good for? Among other things it can grab impromptu pictures of when I would have otherwise not have my real camera available. Like when walking down the sidewalk on my lunch break.
Since I just can’t psyche myself into the mood to write lately (and maybe never again), here are a couple of recent iPod photographic masterpieces for your enjoyment.
As always, signed prints are available for the low cost of only “shipping and handling.” I’ll tell you what that is after you provide your credit card number.
I’ve had an interest in photography for a long time now. Critical readers who just read that sentence will note that I didn’t say I’m any good at it.
My dad liked Pentax cameras and I was familiar with them as far back as I can remember. In high school I took photography classes including portraiture and developing film and photographs in a black and white darkroom.
For most of my life I’ve owned a Pentax 35mm camera. Then I few years ago I picked up my first digital camera ever, a Nikon Coolpix. I used it a bit but not too much, mainly for family and vacation photos. About six months ago I finally decided to read the manual and learn how it worked and began using it more.
About six weeks ago my wife and I received a newer, much more powerful camera for a wedding anniversary gift. Since then we’ve really been getting into it. We’ve been researching on the web, reading photography books, and participating on Flickr. It has been a lot of fun.
Along the way I’ve made a few observations and learned a few things.
First, I’ve noticed that if you set up a tripod and put a camera on top of it, two things immediately happen. Everyone suddenly becomes very interested in what you are doing and strangers feel like it is acceptable to talk to you. “Taking some pictures?” they’ll ask. “Yep. Here’s your sign.”
Since we started going places and trying to take more pictures and broaden our horizons, there have been a few incidents:
- At the local park: We walked around all areas of the park and took a lot of pictures. At one point we were near the playground. My wife was trying to take some pictures of the equipment, not specifically trying to take pictures of anyone’s children. A mother on a nearby benched freaked out, frantically called her children to her, then aggressively demanded to know what my wife was doing and if the camera had any pictures of her kids. (It didn’t.) Her behavior went way beyond rude and was our first inkling of how people react to cameras.
- Saturday night in front of the local post office: With the camera on the tripod and pointing up at the top of the building, we were exploring night shots and how light was hitting the old building. We were approached by several of the local staggering drunks who demanded to know what we were doing. “What are you taking a picture of?” was a very popular question. After the groups got larger and rowdier we fled for our lives.
- On a public sidewalk: My wife was taking some pictures of various signs in front of a restaurant. A drunken idiot staggered out of a nearby bar for her smoke break and demanded to know, “Are you taking pictures of my car?” Well golly gee whiz. Which one is yours? And what an odd thing to be concerned about. Perhaps she was concerned we were working the repo man?
- At a local restaurant: We enjoyed our dinner where we are well known as regulars. While eating I noticed a neon sign in the window. When we finished our meal it was dark, so I grabbed the tripod and went out to shoot the sign. I must have been almost 50′ from the building. I’m snapping pictures when I realized someone was talking to my wife. Later I found out it was the restaurant owner who wanted to know what we were doing after people in the restaurant complained and freaked about the camera. Again I was on a public sidewalk. My only interest was the neon sign and the camera didn’t contain an image of a single human being. (Ugh!) I was tempted to go inside and use the LCD to prove it.
- At the local park: I set up the tripod by the entrance and had the camera pointed at some trees showing their beautiful autumn colors. Three cars in a row drove by and the drivers all looked freaked out that they might be in the shot. Yeah, right. I set up my tripod hours ago and just waited and waited hoping you would drive by. You’re on to me.
What have I learned? People are fucking paranoid of cameras. Next time I want to take a picture of a neon sign in a restaurant I’m going to go inside and yell, “Yo! Check this out! I’m going to be photographing that sign over yonder. I won’t be taking pictures of any of you humans! Or whatever the hell you are.”
I’ve also learned it pays to prepare your retorts ahead of time. Concerned about me taking pictures of your piece of shit car? “Oh, I’m sorry. Which one is it?” right before I deliberately make your POS the focus of my life’s work.
Maybe I just have a bad attitude, but people seriously need to relax. Chill out. The kid thing I can understand, even if the mom was wrong; we weren’t trying to take pictures of her kids. But a car??? Wow.
An FYI to the people of the world: I have little interest in you and won’t be trying to take your picture, so get over your damn selves already. I don’t want your visage tainting my shiny new toy!
A friend of our aunt’s came to town and we all went out to lunch. It was quite a lovely affair until…
Someone, I think it was my wife, asked, “How is your son?”
Suddenly the dreaded iPhone came out and we were subjected to a startling app that I can only assume is named something like Slideshow Torment 2.0. “Oh, he’s doing fine. Here are some pictures…”
Remember when slideshow parties were all the rage? Me either, but apparently there was a time when people would lure guests into their home under the guise of a dinner or cocktail party then the slideshow projector would kill all the joy as the guests were forced to endure pictures of the family vacation, pets, babies, and tourist shots in exotic locales.
Now, thanks to modern technology, we can have that same level of excitement anytime and anywhere. It’s sublime perfection for a society on the go. Now we have slideshow to go.
I can barely tolerate this sort of thing even under the best of circumstances. But when it is from a person I don’t know, like an old friend of my aunt’s, and she is regaling us with stories and pictures about people I don’t know and have never met, my patience wears thin very quickly.
I’ve always struggled to maintain interest when people start telling stories about people I don’t know. “You know Mary, right? She works with someone named Jill who used to live across the street from Bob. That dude was crazy. He was always pulling some stunt like the time he…”
“Excuse me. Who is Mary again?”
These stories about a friend of a friend of friend drive me nuts. I don’t have time to hear stories about people I’ve never met. Aaaaiiiieeeee!
So there we were, in a nice restaurant, held hostage by a two-pronged attack. My aunt’s friend was dominating all conversation and we were compelled to look at endless exciting photographs of her son each time the infernal iPhone was passed around the table. “Here he is in front of his new home. Isn’t it lovely?” Ugh. A little part of me just died. “And here he is in his swimsuit. Isn’t he handsome?” Losing strength, must try to hold on…
What could have been a lovely occasion with conversation between seldom seen friends – old and new – and a delightful lunch was killed. That iPhone is now wanted for murder.
My reaction these days when an iPhone gets pulled out is visceral and immediate. It is an overwhelming feeling of sinking in desperation to a very bad place. I used to have some mild interest in the technology but that’s all gone now. I’ve seen what an iPhone can do.
Cell phones are already plenty annoying enough. Now the iPhone (and others of its ilk) comes along and takes the torment to a whole new level. Home movies are next, I’m sure.
How am I going to make it in a society where people frothingly and willingly believe that their cell phone is one of the very best parts of their meaningless existence?
Please enjoy the musical pairing that has been selected by our chef for this post: