Tag Archives: property

Zombie Jesus wants you to sue

Do you have the right to put up Christmas decorations? Of course you do. We are a country based on property rights and religious freedom.

Unless your decorations go against the prevailing winds of the primary government-backed religion. Laws, yes.

A town is taking legal action against a homeowner because they do not like his zombie-themed nativity scene. They do not like it at all.

So they did what any government entity would do. They took out the rule book and dusted off every arcane statute they could find to hassle the guy.

That’s using the old noodle. Mmm, brains. Let us pray!

Police forces across our great nation are financially strapped and forced to cut and prioritize services, but do not worry. The city has code enforcement funding to protect us against zombie Jesus.

In other news, a woman who practices the Pastafarian religion recently won the right to wear a colander in her driver’s license photo. I think I’m in love.

Ramen.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/12/23/ohio-homeowner-told-to-take-down-his-zombie-nativity-scene/

All Your Contents Belong To Us

White represents content on more than one service. Red represents content only available in one place, i.e., the stuff you actually want.

White represents content available on more than one service. Red represents content only available in one place, i.e., the stuff you actually think you want.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually not true) but I think I’ve figured out how it works. (I don’t just bitch, either. I’ll also include solutions. I’m proactive that way.)

  • Netflix is the only source for Netflix Original programming: House of Cards and Orange Is The New Black.
  • Hulu is the only source for Hulu Original programming: None come to mind but I do know they’ll have commercials.
  • Amazon Prime has mostly the same shit.
  • iTunes offers the same content but at premium ala carte prices.
  • HBO is the only source for HBO Original programming: The Newsroom and Game Of Thrones.
  • CBS is a bunch of greedy dillholes: Survivor and Big Bang Theory.
  • MLB is the only source for most MLB Original programming but only if you have enough money. Otherwise they won’t even stream the goddamned World Series. (I was actually surprised by this, but only for a nanosecond.)

I prognosticated to my wife a long time ago that the days of accessing “content” would soon be coming to a close. This week we moved much closer to that reality. You like some shows on Hulu and some on Netflix? You’ll have to buy both even if the remaining majority of their DNA is essentially the same. Exclusivity is the ticket to getting customers to pay more than once. And make no mistake, it is all out global thermonuclear war on your wallet. That is the only thing that matters. They don’t do this for fun.

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Here’s To Your Wealth

money-scamImagine only one human left on Earth. It can even be you, if you want. It can be a pristine Earth free of the ravages of any human stain or it can be an Omega Man-esque utopia with our hardscape marrings left behind.

As that proverbial last person alive, would you be wealthy?

I don’t normally write within the how to or self help genres. But today I am here to tell you how to acquire wealth. Real wealth. And by “real” I mean that which makes your peers weep tears of pain. What other kind of wealth is worth anything?

At this point I should probably make you aware of the EULA for this post: By opening and reading this far you have already acknowledged your consent that our friendly e-commerce nanites have transferred $14.95 from your account. Easy, fast, and convenient. Don’t worry. This is assuredly a premium experience.
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Positively freedom

smokingmoms

Freedom!

Once or twice a year I get up early, haul myself down to the donut shop and get something not good for me. What can I say? We all have our vices, right?

A short time ago I made the trip. Along the way, around 9:15am, I passed a tavern. Out front was a guy leaning against the building not far from the front door. It was a cold, wet, gloomy morning and an arctic 30 degrees (not counting any damn wind chill).

The man was smoking away.

Look on the bright side, I thought. At least I’m not him.

Who says I can’t have positive thoughts? Apparently all of mine come tinged with a wee bit of judgement. Perhaps that’s not ideal but I can live with. It makes the donut that much more delicious. At least I have taste buds.

As you probably know a pharmacy called CVS recently made big news by announcing they were phasing out sales of cigarettes (and other tobacco products) in their stores. Now I don’t know CVS from a hole in the ground. I’ve never been in one. I tend to avoid places like that.

Still, I welcome this bit of news. It feels like a step in the right direction to me. I actually heard something on the news about tobacco companies are hurting due to reduced sales. Is that supposed to be troubling? In the United States sales of cigarettes have reportedly dropped by 31.3 percent from 2003 to 2013.

Some, like me, thinks that’s a pretty good sign.

Then there’s that other group. You know, the people on Twitter who embrace the #boycottcvs hash tag. I guess you could call them the yin to my yang.

Hang on to your hats, space cowboys. It’s time, once again, for the epic battle between good and evil. Anyone know if George Lucas is a smoker?
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Candy Crushing

candy-crushHey, have you heard the latest? There’s a game called Candy Crush Saga for your handheld device.

Behold! I give you the ultimate evil in the galaxy!

I installed the damn thing once. By doing so I think I earned a few “Dino bucks” in my dino wranglin’ game, but that’s another story.

I opened the game and played a level. I found the motif totally inane and annoying. The game itself was vapid and uninspired. I said to myself, “Hey, self! Isn’t this game just a rip-off variation of those 42 million other games where you match and line shit up so more shit will fall down?”

I promptly deleted it from my device. What a stupid piece of shit, I thought. Luckily I’ll never have to hear of it again.

Wrong!
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The Blog That Wasn’t There Part Two

This is the exciting conclusion to a two-part series entitled The Blog That Wasn’t There. When we left I had just accidentally hit the Publish button and created part one. -Ed

We were led to believe that hyperlinks were good. They could lead to other websites. They were part and parcel of the grand “content” scheme, the belief that sharing would occur across the internet.

For example, bloggers could embed video, music, images and more with just a bit of text. Books on blogging advised us that this was the thing to do.

Even WordPress got in on it. They rolled out something called PicApp. It was a way to legally include a vast library of commercial images in your posts. Like a good little foot soldier I used the feature every chance I could get.

What could possibly go wrong?

Bloggy

Bloggy, bloggy wasn’t there
Bloggy, bloggy didn’t care it wasn’t there
Just like my underwear
Bloggy wasn’t there

If you got a bloggy issue, here’s a bloggy tissue
BL to the O to the G G Y
BL to the O to the G G Y
Say it gots no soul but blog has gots a wide gaping hole

Do bloggers ever go back and re-read their own stuff? I do. Perhaps I’m doing a bit of research on a new post or I want to link something in. When I go through this process I’ll often re-read the entire thing. That’s usually when I discover all sorts of horrible typos that my editor failed to catch. Hint: I don’t have an editor.

And I’m just OCD enough to fix them, years later, once discovered.

But as I went through this exercise I began to notice something else. All my contents were gone.

There, on the blog post, where a content used to be… What’s that?

It’s the wide gaping hole of nothingness.

Every spot where I used PicApp in good faith is now an empty rectangle. All of those YouTube videos? They have been replaced by even funner messages like:

  • The video uploader made the video private
  • The uploader account no longer exists
  • The video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Sony. (You know, the company that wrote fake reviews of its own movies. They are sticklers for the rule of law.)
  • The video is not allowed in your country.
  • The uploader has restricted playback on your platform.
  • YouTube performed an exorcism of the video. (Only applies to¬†Kirk Cameron while trying to promote his latest narcissistic crappy movie.)
  • Video was deemed “hate speech” after whiny protests by the Church Lady and her cohorts. (Only applies to atheists who are amazing.)

In fact, my research indicates all videos will be removed by YouTube except for the following:

  • Funny video of cat

Now I go back and look at old posts and I, the inimitable author of same, don’t even have a clue what was supposed to be there. And all this time you actually thought you were building something. Ha ha ha ha!

The moral of this story: It’s obvious. Never, never, never include embed any content in your blog posts. That’s the worst mistake you can ever make.

So, effective immediately, I’m renaming this place The Library Of Gaping Holes Formerly Known As Contents. The Library of Alexandria had nothing on this vast repository of suppositories.

Just consider it my gift to you. Feel free to come on back any time you want your head filled with nothing.

Storming The Castle

il_fullxfull.415323934_a8i5Once every lifetime or so I am granted the gift of insight. There’s a flash of light and suddenly I know something. The words that immediately follow the flash are generally pithy and pregnant with deep meaning.

“Holy shit! Fuck yeah.”

You can quote me on that.

Something like this happened to me the other day. And, my lords and ladies, it happened whilst my castle was under siege. It was a very trebuchet experience. I shall regale you with the tale anon.
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