The local TV news, which consists of 18 minutes weather, 2 minutes news and 10 minutes commercials, has been telling us for months that practically every single day is setting another local weather record. In winter we had the warmest winter days ever. There have been lots of rainfall records along the way, including one just a couple of days ago. And now, finally, record heat days are occurring on a regular basis.
I think we’re setting a record on setting new records. Somebody check the records. This has got to be true.
Living in Portland means, of course, there is no air conditioning in our house circa 1950s. I think they hates them, they do. Maybe things were cooler in the 1950s so people didn’t think they were really needed? Bioswale floors, walls, ceilings and roofs constructed out of organic kale didn’t exist back then, did they?
Whatever the case, when the heat hits our house like an oven on broil, the windows, reluctantly, have to be placed in the “open” position. And that’s when the shit goes sideways.
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Slay me, betray me
Filet me, all the way me.
Douse me in alcohol
Set me aflame and flambé me.
It was rapidly approaching 8pm. Darkness was engulfing the land. Wearily my wife and I made our way to the bedroom. It was time for the nightly ritual of getting ready for bed. The end of another long day.
For me, going to sleep is like giving up. It’s saying, “Once I close my eyes it will be time to open them again, on a new day, and do all of this stuff all over again.” Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I can’t imagine a more gloomy sentiment.
Yet little did I know at that moment the betrayal that was heading my way before I’d even had the chance to experience that sadness. I wasn’t going to make it to bed unscathed.
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Advisory: This post contains the werd “penis.” We suggest you keep this out of your inbox.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I know it sounds corny
But famous white celebrities
And Tiger! – were feeling quite horny
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We modern humans have a lot to remember lest we get fucked. Turn off the coffee pot. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked. Don’t forget to pour a cup of that coffee you made before leaving for work. (Trust me on this one. It sucks to make a pot, arrive at work, then say, “Hey, motherfuck! Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole is my coffee?” That is one of the worst feelings in the world.)
Got a cold and you forgot your snot pills at home?
Lock the keys in the car?
Forget to pay a bill and now your internet is turned off?
Make a $2 error on your checking account and the bank where you’ve done business for the last ten years is more than happy to run everything through and charge you a grand total of $480 for the mistake?
Fail to pass on an important message and now you’re shit scum?
Sit on your eyeglasses?
Bump your iThing and it lands on the hard concrete in just the right way to smash into a zillion pieces and never work again?
Forget to feed and/or water the cats? Or forget to empty the litter box?
The point is this: We’re in a hurry. We’re under pressure. We’ve got a lot on our minds. And if you ever fuck up and forget one tiny little detail, the Universe will roar right up at you and tap you on the shoulder with a sledgehammer and say, “Got you, motherfucker!”
I found out the other day our kitchen window had been left unlocked. Probably for a couple of years.
This morning, my wife went to go to work. Suddenly I heard her screaming my name. Apparently after we went grocery shopping yesterday we failed to lock the car. It was sitting in our driveway unlocked.
Cue the Universe. “I’ll take it from here, ma’am.”
Her car had been completely ransacked. The glove box was open and everything had been strewn about. Papers, garbage and stuff covered both floorboards and front seats. Someone had gone through the car looking for valuables. And failed to clean up after themselves.
Thankfully, as far as we know, there was nothing valuable in there.
As far as the Universe is concerned, this was just a love tap. Under the visor was a remote to our garage door. With trepidation we opened the door to take a look. What a relief. My mountain bike was still there. Nothing seemed to be missing. Of course, from the garage the miscreants could have walked right into our home while we were asleep.
Apparently the Universe wasn’t interested in totally shitting on us. This time. Perhaps it was just doing us a favor by giving us a little reminder to remain even more vigilant. I mean, if you’re not thinking about bad stuff and protecting yourself 24/7 then you’re not living the good life yet, right?
We live in a nice subdivision. It’s a newer part of town. The houses here are all less than four years old. Even so, packs of wild animals known as Unsupervised Teens constantly roam the streets. (These are the younglings of species Assholius Parentus.) We find garbage in the gutter and cigarette butts way up our driveway. These kids eyeball you and act like they own the world. Yes, there is strength in numbers which is why Unsupervised Teen scum always travel in herds.
I guess they spend their evenings testing car doors to determine which are unlocked. It’s probably the only skill they really have.
I’m thinking what I’d really like to do is wire up the car to deliver a lethal shock. But, of course, the Universe would still be there to test my vigilance, right? I’d forget that one little detail and end up zapping my own ass.
Thanks, Universe. Keep testing and probing to see what mistakes we’ve made. Never let us get away with anything. Keep us honest.
So how did I do? Was this an enjoyable piece of Flash Friction? Stay tuned because there will be more. Just as soon as I forget something else important, probably something involving my Congressman-organ and a zipper.